SUMMARY: Whether it’s apparent to those on the sidelines or
not, Trinity has always played an integral role in Ghost’s
SPOILERS: It’s all fair game in this one.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: I only very recently stumbled upon the
notion that Ghost was in love with Trinity. Yeah, I know –
I’m a little behind. I had never thought much of the guy
before this revelation, but as soon as it happened, he
became incredibly important to me. And this story
inevitably followed. I get this guy. Maybe not on every
level, but when it comes to unrequited love, he and I are
two peas in a pod. I feel your pain, buddy. This one’s for
DISCLAIMER: Ghost, Trinity, Neo and the world of “The
Matrix” belong to The Wachowski brothers and the actors who
portray them, not me.
THANKS: To two of the loveliest people I have ever had the
pleasure of knowing: spin, once again, for her outstanding
beta and endless words of encouragement, and Danascully,
someone I greatly admire, for brainstorming with me on
parts of this and keeping me on the right track.
* * *
I knew you loved him even before you did, even if it was in
its abstract form, not quite tangible, but unmistakably
brewing. I had heard you speak of the previous potentials
before, but this was different. I don’t think many would
have noticed the subtle change in your eyes when you talked
about him or even said his name.
“I think this is it, Ghost,” you said. “I think we may have
Your voice was hushed as you sat across the table from me,
leaning your body forward against the tabletop as you
spoke. I leaned closer, meeting you in the middle, creating
a small space of privacy for us to converse in.
“How long have you been watching him?”
“For a while now. Morpheus…I’ve never seen him so sure of
anything. It’s amazing. I wish you could see this one.
He’s…he reminds me of me when I was there. I…”
You trailed off and your eyes wandered away from mine as
you lost yourself in your thoughts. I knew you were
thinking of him, recalling the image of him embedded within
“What’s his name?” I asked.
“Neo,” you said, looking back at me, the slightest of
smiles upon your face.
“How much longer?”
“Soon,” you said. “Very soon. As soon as the Neb is ready,
we’re heading back out.”
I watched you as you leaned back into your chair, one hand
reaching out to pick up the half-full mug of dark ale in
front of you. You finished it easily, toasting my full
glass before slamming the glass back down onto the table,
your eyes sparkling.
I remember those eyes. I remember them because I think
once, for a very brief moment in time, you had them for me.
* * *
We are on the precipice now, ready to fall, ready to fight.
I am not afraid. I steal a glance at you as the captains
speak and I can see you are undaunted by the task in front
of us, your faith in Neo powerful and unyielding. Your
fearlessness serves to fuel my own and I suddenly feel as
though you and I could stop the machines all on our own if
we had to. We always did make a good team back in the
training programs, even at the naïve age of seventeen.
“Hi,” he says as he steps into the room. “I know time is
always against us, and I’m sorry I took so long. But I
wanted to be sure.”
“Sure of what?” you ask immediately.
“I know what I have to do,” he says.
“What?” Morpheus asks.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it. I
have to take one of the ships.”
“What?” Roland asks.
“To go where?” Morpheus asks, his voice calm.
“To the machine city,” he says.
Silent disbelief fills the room. I look to Niobe, her face
expressionless, as her head turns for a quick glance at
Sparks, each of us trying to confirm that we did indeed
hear what we thought we heard. Then I look to you, and I
can see that his words had come as a surprise to you, too.
I can see fear and uncertainty creeping into you, rapidly
taking over. You are afraid for him. And I know you have
made the decision to go with him.
Niobe offers her ship and suddenly the complexity of the
situation multiplies. She believes in him, she says, as do
I. But my belief in you is even stronger. I believe you
will do whatever necessary to help him. And that’s what
makes me afraid. I am afraid for you, Trinity. I’m afraid
for myself because I don’t know if I’m ready to lose you
yet. I don’t think I ever will be.
* * *
Even after the initial disorientation as a result of being
unplugged and the rehabilitation that followed, I felt
lost. Nothing made sense. Not like I thought it would.
Then I met you. I saw your face and it mirrored my own and
from that moment on, you became a source of stability for
me. I think I did the same for you. We relied on each other
pretty heavily those first few months and I didn’t realize
it at the time, but it was then that I fell in love with
The short time we were in Zion only reinforced what I felt.
You were so strong, even back then, and the more I got to
know you, the more I was convinced we were two halves of
the same person. I dreamt of you often, the images in my
subconscious ranging from simply having a meal with you to
holding your hand, to making love to you to fucking you, to
you professing your undying love for me to you leaving me
forever. It was confusing as hell and my nearly-eighteen-
year-old mind had a hard time grasping onto why I felt to
attached to you, but I had recently learned not to question
such profound feelings of what I felt to be right and
wrong. You felt right and so I went with it, whether or not
you felt the same about me.
“I’m joining Morpheus’s ship,” you said to me one day,
excited. “The Nebuchadnezzar. Can you believe it?”
“Already?” I asked. “I thought he wanted you to settle in
more first. We’ve got so much more training to go through.”
“I got called in,” you said in a hushed tone, leaning into
me slightly as we walked amidst the crowded walkways. “To
see the Council. They said he wants me now.”
I was stunned. I had been told stories about him, rumors
spread throughout the city by those who admired and
disregarded him alike. He was presented as a warrior by
many and as a lunatic by others. I hadn’t made up my mind
either way, and I didn’t think you had, either, until this
“Do you believe what he believes?” I asked.
“I can’t explain it, Ghost. But there’s something pulling
me to that ship. I have to go. Besides, I feel like I owe
it to him.”
Your faith radiated from you and all I could do was nod my
“There’s another opening on the ship,” you continued. “I’ll
bet I could get you on, especially when I tell him how good
you are at weapons training.”
“I don’t know…”
“C’mon,” you said, stopping to face me at the end of the
walkway. “Come with me. Please?”
I searched your face and all I could see was pure
enthusiasm. I wondered how it was you didn’t seem to feel
any kind of trepidation. It was infectious.
“Alright,” I said. “Let’s do it.”
You beamed with delight and wrapped your arms around my
neck in a quick hug. You left then, to speak with the
council again, but not before thanking me. Maybe not, but I
thought you would have known by then that if you had asked
me to take am unarmed walk along the machine surface with
you, I would have. ‘Hey,’ I thought as I watched you walk
away. ‘What are best friends for?’
* * *
You haven’t come back yet. It’s foolish to believe that you
I walk a lot now. I can’t sit still for any length of time.
I need to keep busy, keep moving. I need my mind to be
active. It would be easy to give up now, but I know you
wouldn’t want that. You’d get up. You’d keep living. You
always were the strong one, though.
I stop outside your quarters a lot. There is always single
candle in front of the door, always lit, placed there and
maintained by some anonymous mourner. It’s the best place
for me to remember you, even if the small space is filled
with not only your memory, but his as well. Despite the
initial spiral into misery and overwhelming sense of
jealousy, I came to terms with the relationship you shared
with him with much more ease than I was expecting. You were
happy. And I felt selfish for wanting things to be
I knew he loved you. He relied on you for stability much
the way I did. I envied him, but I understood him.
I sometimes think I want to know what exactly happened to
you. I want to know every detail, every single event and
emotion you experienced. My mind fills in the blanks for me
a lot, but my morbid imagination always has been very self-
serving and bouts of insomnia are the unwelcome result.
I had a lot of dreams for us, Trinity. Even when I knew
none of them would ever come true for us, I couldn’t stop
them. Was I foolish to ever want a simple life with you?
Probably. Was I foolish to believe you’d be happy living a
simple life? Probably. Loving you has been a paradox, a
constant struggle, but it has made me who I am today.
You’re not going to come back. You gave your life for him,
for all of us. You died fighting for what you believed in.
That’s all any good soldier can ask for in death. And you,
my friend, were a good soldier.
I’ll miss you for the rest of my life.
* * *
“Everyone sees the Oracle,” you said.
“Did you?” I asked.
“Yes,” you said.
“And you will, too.”
Kali told me when it was time. We had just finished our
routine sweep inside the Matrix and I was ready to head for
the exit when she stopped me.
“Your turn,” she said. “Let’s go. The Oracle’s waiting.”
I felt comfortable with her immediately. She sat at her
kitchen table, cigarettes and ashtray within arms reach,
and perhaps as a therapist might do at the start of a
session with a new patient, asked me why I thought I was
“You’re going to look into your crystal ball and tell me my
“Don’t get smart with me, kid,” she said.
“You’ve got a lot on your mind. I can see that. You’re
struggling with what to make of yourself. Why?”
“I don’t understand what you mean by that. I know exactly
what to make of myself.”
“Then tell me.”
“I’m a soldier for Zion. I’m here to fight.”
“What are you fighting for?”
“For Zion. For humanity.”
“Such an answer is admirable. But its a soldier’s answer. I
want your answer, Ghost.”
“I fight for today,” I said.
“Ah,” she said. “So, it’s ‘do not dwell in the past, do not
dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present
moment’, is it?”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Of course not. But Buddha wasn’t allowing his heart to
love in vain, now was he? It complicates such a clean way
of living, doesn’t it?”
“Is this why I’m here? Because of her?”
“You know the answer to that.”
“Then tell me. Can she ever love me?”
“Only as a friend, as her brother.”
I nodded, letting my eyes fall to the ground as an image of
you flashed across my face. Even when you weren’t there,
you could make me smile.
“Thank you,” I said, looking up again.
“You’re welcome,” she said.
I watched her for a moment, watched as she took pulled a
cigarette out of its box and placed it between her lips. A
match cracked as she lit it and she cupped her hands around
the flame, lifted her hands and concealing her mouth. When
she pulled them away, the end of the cigarette was ablaze,
glowing red-orange. Her chest puffed slightly as she
inhaled deeply and then deflated, thick gray smoke exiting
her mouth as she then exhaled.
“That’s a bad habit,” I said.
“Yes, but it’s my habit and I have a right to it, don’t I?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Tell me again, now. What are you fighting for?”
“I’m fighting for my right to live.”
“You got it, kid.”
She stood up then and came over to me, her hand reaching
out and patting my cheek gently. And she smiled.
“Never forget that,” she said. “No matter what paths we
choose, we always have the right to live those choices out.
Don’t let anyone, man or machine, tell you any different.”
“Thank you,” I said again.
She nodded her head once at me and turned around and went
over to busy herself with something on the counter,
signaling the end of our meeting.
* * *
I was never one to have a weak stomach, but suddenly I
found myself hunched over, vomiting out its contents into a
toilet. Thoughts of your impending death were the ideal
catalyst for such a condition. Go figure.
I struggled to pull myself together.
I rinsed the taste of bile from my mouth and controlled my
breathing again, making myself as presentable as possible.
Time was running out. I had to find you before you left. My
feet carried me swiftly down the narrow corridor of the
ship, my mind doing it’s best to string together enough
words to form a coherent thought that could even begin to
segue into what it was I wanted to say to you. Distracted,
I almost walked right past the open door to my left.
“I know I’m supposed to go,” he was saying. “But beyond
that, I don’t know…”
“I know,” you said. “You don’t think you’re coming back. I
knew it the moment you said you had to leave. I could see
it in your face. Just like you knew the moment you looked
at me that I was coming with you.”
I wanted to respect your privacy, to quickly turn back and
leave the two of you alone, but my feet were like stone and
I couldn’t move. My conscious screamed at me, but still I
“I’m scared, Trin,” he said.
“So am I. Took me ten minutes to buckle up one boot. “But
I’ll tell you something. Six hours ago I told the
Merovingian that I was ready to give anything and
everything for you. Do you know what’s changed in the past
My stomach lurched. I admired your dedication to him, your
willingness to give yourself over to him, and your complete
and utter trust in him. But I also allowed myself the final
indulgence of wishing it was directed towards me.
Several moments passed before I heard you speak again.
“I’m going to go down and help them prepare the ship,” you
said. “I’ll see you in a few minutes?”
“Okay,” he said, his voice slightly muffled.
I shook my head slightly, snapping myself back to attention
and panicked slightly when I realized you were coming
through the door. I turned around quickly and walked back
the way I came, hoping to make it seem I was just passing
by, but before I could make it to three steps, I heard you
call me name.
“Hey,” I said, turning around. “I was just on my
way…uh…well, to see you.”
“Come on,” you said. “Walk with me.”
You linked your arm around mine and we began to move down
the hall slowly. Your head fell against my arm gently and
for just a moment, I felt like we were young again.
“Say something,” you said.
I stopped us, turning until I could look at your face. Your
features were hard, lined with worry, and your eyebrows
furrowed with unconscious thought. Your eyes were focused,
though, and your determination was as clear as your love
for him. And you were still the most beautiful thing I had
“There are no words,” I said.
You pulled me into a tight embrace, your arms wrapping
around my neck fiercely and your head falling to rest
against my shoulder. My arms immediately encircled you, my
hands splayed against your back, gently holding you against
I don’t think either one of us heard him approach.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to interrupt…”
Your head lifted up at the sound of his voice and we broke
apart, my body feeling the loss of your warmth with a
“I know,” you said. “We have to go.”
He nodded, looking slightly uncomfortable, and then reached
his hand out. I looked down and was surprised to see he had
extended it out not towards you, but rather towards me.
“Thank you, Ghost,” he said. “For everything.”
I met his hand in a firm shake, accepting his gratitude and
returning it equally. His eyes carried a heavy burden as
they looked at me, but when he turned his head to look over
at you, I could see how it was you, and only you, that made
it bearable for him, and maybe even worth the weight.
You leaned in and brushed your lips against my cheek, your
last goodbye, then stepped over until you stood next to
him. Still there were no words, so I stood there silently
and watched as you both walked away.
* * *
They were shipping us off today. My hands shook as I packed
my bag with the few belongings I had accumulated. I heard
my door open and looked back over my shoulder as you peeked
your head in.
“Ready?” you asked.
I zipped up the bag and threw it over my shoulder, nodding
my head. I glanced around the room one last time before
meeting you outside, where you were casually leaning
against the railing of the wall. You appeared to be
“Let’s go,” you said. “I don’t want to be late.”
We walked along briskly, stopping at the elevator at the
end of the aisle. I looked over at you and caught your eye.
“Aren’t you even the least bit scared?” I asked.
“Of course,” you said. “But as they say, there’s nothing to
fear but fear itself.”
I shook my head and laughed softly, receiving yet another
smile from you in response. The elevator doors opened and
we stepped inside, pushing in the appropriate button to
direct us up to the dock. When the doors opened again, we
were met with a sea of military personnel, dockworkers, and
incoming crewmen. We stepped out and joined the crowd of
proud resistance fighters.
I started to walk towards our ships when I felt you grab my
arm suddenly. I looked back as you pulled me aside, just
behind a large section of stone. You grasped my hands in
yours and your eyes sparkled, boring deep into my own with
a strange urgency I had never seen before. My heart
threatened to beat out of my chest. You leaned into me
swiftly and before I had a chance to do anything, your
mouth pressed against me in a kiss.
Your lips were warm and inviting and for the first few
seconds, I was positive I was dreaming. I felt your
solidity in front of me, though, felt your breath against
my own, and I knew you were real this time. And for a
fleeting second, I thought I felt your heart open to me.
Then just as fast as it happened, it ended. You pulled
yourself away from me and stepped back out into the masses.
You started to walk away, but I caught your hand and pulled
you back towards me again, my face a model of confusion.
Your eyes shone with tears, but you blinked them back
quickly and regained the exterior I had come to know so
well. I could still see a lingering surprise in your face,
though, and when you opened your mouth to speak, I was
positive you were going to say that you were sorry.
“A goodbye kiss,” you said instead.
I mustered a smile and did my best to pretend that that
explanation was enough. We started to walk again, you just
a few steps ahead, and came to a stop in front of our new
ships. You weren’t able to get me on The Nebuchadnezzar
with you, but your glowing recommendation led to a spot on
The Brahma that I was happy to have. You started to the
left and I to the right, our captains ready and waiting for
“See you soon?” you called.
You looked at me expectantly, needing my answer before you
“Yeah,” I said. “See you soon.”
A masked apology, a masked acceptance.
I saw your body sag slightly, your chest deflating as you
exhaled a deep breath. You smiled at me once more before
turning, your entire demeanor changing with your focus. I
advanced to report to my new life as well, trying to
temporarily pushing away the thoughts of what might have
Damn you, Trinity.
* * *